God – the Magnificent Orchestrator

I’ve heard and retold many a story of how “God’s timing is perfect.”  Of these, there are countless.  From how my pastor’s wife waited until forty for marriage to how she miscarried several times to how now, she is the mother of two adopted newborn twin girls with the man of her dreams is one very real example.  There is an often-cited anecdote that people use to demonstrate how God may often be “saving you” from something when seemingly causing a delay in your life.  ie: that traffic jam that you’re in could be saving you from that accident up ahead.  The final idea is-which is something that I’ve really clung to recently-is the idea that you don’t “define God based on  your circumstances; you define your circumstances based on God.”  One you’ve decided that “God is good all the time; all the time, God is good,” your circumstances are simply an exercise in faith. This is all easy to say, but I know it’s hard and I’ve been through the bleak moments when I’ve wondered myself.  But the breakthroughs will come and when they do, you go ahead and record them and blog about them and keep them around because breakthroughs are testimonies.  And now I’mma share mine! I just got out of a very bleak time where I felt, in the most scientific of terms, in a schlump.  On the heels of heartbreak, my feelings began to snowball to include loneliness, depression, and an overall absence of joy, energy, and purpose.  It was bad, ya’ll.  I would put on a happy face and happy energy for just long enough to get through teaching a class or completing an audition – and then I would default to sad clown face.  Through this time, I prayed, I read, and I learned a lot.  But I was still there, in the winter, emotionally.  I started to question my career, city of living – everything went under the microscope for examination during this time of unhappiness as I tried to “get to the root.” Some important pieces of background information:
  • I’ve always been a commercial actor with no intention of pursuing tv or film acting.
  • I’ve always taught fitness classes as a “side hustle” to my commercial acting.
  • After my heartbreak, I was shaken enough to receive a friend’s referral  to her therapist and have been working with her  since.
From the book "time in a bottle" - this passage is on "perfecting the past"
From the book “time in a bottle” – this passage is on “perfecting the past”
Here is the turnaround in my story – where the winter gives way to spring – where the score crescendos – where all the pieces of God’s magnificent plan seamlessly and perfectly align for the good of you – get ready! I text my therapist in the midst of my emptiness – desperate to shake this state.  She gets on the phone with me for 30 minutes, during which I’m crying silent throughout.  At the end of that call, I feel empowered to call my Dad and make plans for Christmas and as I look at all the other areas of my life I was questioning, I suddenly feel contentment in them again.  My energy and motivation to be a contribution to this world return and I get busy doing things for others again. During this time, I was also being asked to act in a dramatic scene and despite the fact that this was not my “acting lane” as a commercial actress, I said “yes.”  As I was studying movie clips to pull from, I felt compelled to write my own scene, inspired by my heartbreak.  And right then and there, I penned my first scene as a writer!  And it was good, ya’ll!  Suddenly, the idea of being an actress – a legit actress – in tv and film – became desirable to me. I wrote the scene in under an hour and later on that day, had a conversation with an old college friend that solidified for me this decision to become a full-time actress.  By the end of that day, I was busting at the seams with excitement over my promising acting career!  The desire, placed within me for the first time, was suddenly so magnetic and so attractive, that it felt like I was going from 0 – 60mph!  Over the next two days I decided who my muse was going to be, made a vision board for my acting career, applied to an acting school, studied a monologue for that audition, started studying movies, and fully saw myself and my life through this lens of acting. And I used to say that I didn’t want to act, just do commercials and host.  And I used to specifically correct people when they called me an actress, clarifying that I was only a commercial actress.  And I had never taken one acting class. Also, at this time, it seemed like my fitness instructing career was crumbling.  My class attendance was dwindling and my gyms were actually taking me OFF the schedule.  I knew that it wasn’t me because I would get great feedback that let me know that the style that used to pack my class was the same style that suddenly was bringing in less then ten people at times.  I fought the temptation of offense and forced myself to stay still to see what God had in store in this circumstance.  And now, I see – He was freeing me to act!  Without the hours spent preparing, traveling, and teaching a class, I really would gain so much more time to pour into acting! Here’s what I believe:  God wasn’t going to let me be an actress and make it big and have the fame and fortune and platform that a successful actor has until I fixed some things.  There were some things that were in dire need of address in my way of being in relationships.  I needed to be humbled and broken – there was no way around it.  It took two consecutive heartbreaks in the same year to shake me to the point of looking outside of myself for help.  And then it was like the scales were removed from my eyes and I started to choose another way to think and behave that God finally saw as good and appropriate and fitting.  And once that started happening, God wasted no time in planting the desire and the resources around me to allow me to pursue this career at warp speed.  I believe that these years of commercial acting have prepared me with knowledge and resources to make up for this later start in my acting career.  And I believe that He loves me, has never stopped loving me, and has been guiding me all this time, even during the winters when I was too numb to feel His presence. God is good and I’m going to be a movie star! And if you don’t believe me, hear it from Oprah – her message: “there are no mistakes,” and I add to that an “Amen, because God’s plan is perfect.  He will work it out for you.”

One thought on “God – the Magnificent Orchestrator”

  1. I was checking out twitter and saw the link to your blog. I was surprised to read about your sad clown face. But then I has happy to read about your breakthrough! I was flipping the channels one Sunday, and I heard a Preacher say, “We’re Broken People living in a Broken World with Other Broken People.” In that kind of environment, getting hurt is almost as easy as stepping on a crack in the pavement. But the Gospel tells us that, “It is Finished.” Jesus Christ did it all for us. So we’re free. Free to serve Him. And we do that by not burying the talents he’s given us in the ground, but by making the most of them (like in that parable). So I’m happy you’re going full force on acting. I don’t know if you’ll be famous (I don’t have too much trust in the casting directors and “powers that be” in showbiz), BUT I DO KNOW THAT YOU’LL BE WORTHY OF FAME.

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