THANKSGIVING: ENG STYLE!
A KID, A WII, AND A DOG ON A MISSION!
A WHOLE NEW WORLD…LIKE YOU’VE NEVER SEEN IT!
WEDDING COUPLE GOT BACK!
AND THIS IS WHAT I’LL BE DOING!
AND IN TERMS OF MY DIET/WORKOUT PLAN, MY MEASUREMENTS WILL STAY A SECRET UNTIL MONDAY…haha…and I’m gonna bump it up a notch…i’ll report back on Monday!
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern “seat covers” (invented by someone’s Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn’t – so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume ” The Stance.” In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold “The Stance.” To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, “Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!” Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday – the one that’s still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It’s still smaller than your thumbnail . Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. “Occupied!” you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper – not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you’re certain her bare bottom never touched a public to toilet seat because, frankly, dear, “You just don’t KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.” By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point, you give up. You’re soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, “Here, you just might need this.” As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men’s restroom. Annoyed, he asks, “What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?” This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you’ve GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door! A Friend Is Like A Good Bra… Hard to Find Supportive Comfortable Always Lifts You Up Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
Over the past year or two, I have become a bit of a comedy-head…haha…from Comedy Central to YouTube.com to New York Comedy Club, I have come across some of the funniest SOB’s out there. And on a serious note, I am truly impressed and so appreciative of all of the comedians that are out there with the sole mission to make people laugh and see life through kaleidoscopic glasses! Those who know me know that I’m a running list of jokes borrowed from some of my favorite comedians. During Dane Cook’s “Vicious Circle” perfomance, I literally sat there and transcribed his jokes into my Treo! It’s a bit excessive I guess, but I love them and perhaps live vicariously through their talent!
If you want a good laugh, check these guys out!!! They will NOT disappoint!
Here are a few of my favorite lines/bits/sets!
RUSSELL PETERS: From his performance at the Beacon Theatre Deaf people’s hand gestures are very rascist: -sign for Chinese: gesture chinky eyes -sign for Jewish: gesture for long beard, big nose and money -sign for Indian: points to forehead -I don’t even want to know the sign for black people….gestures to his knee and then simulates growing -What’s the sign for Arab? blowing up yourself? Who cares if we make fun of deaf people? Are they here?! haha! Why don’t Indians play in the World Cup? We’re the second largest population but we have no business participating in any type of sport. You know why? Cuz it’s hard to kick a ball w/ curly-toed shoes. You never know where the ball’s gonna go! Italians who live in Brooklyn think that they can say that’s where they’re from. You’ll be like “Where in Italy are you from?” They’ll say, (in an Italian accent) “Brooklyn!” They always wanna pick a fight too. Once, I saw an Italian guy w/ an Indian girl walkin’ by and I just glanced at her. Then he turns around and he’ll say, “Why you lookin’ at my girl?” “Dude, I wasn’t looking at her, I just glanced at her…I thought that I knew her, so I just glanced.” “So, where do you know her from?!” “No, I don’t. I thought I did, but I realized, after glancing, that I don’t.” Then they start getting real literal w/ you. “Where do you get the balls to look at my girl? Tell me…where…take me to this place…this place…where you….get the balls (grabs balls) to look…at my girl?!” “I don’t know…from my father and mother!? Okay, from Costco…they come in a big jar…of balls.” haha! You girls always find a way to ruin things just when we’re startin’ to like you. We could be just relaxing and we’ll be thinkin’ to ourselves, “Man this girl is really cool…I’m actually really diggin’ this girl!” Then you’ll turn to us and ruin it all with a ridiculous question, like “Honey, make me a promise…promise me you’ll never lie to me” haha!
But then, you force us to lie to you! You know what guys can do that women can never do? We can stare off into space and our minds can just turn off. We’ll turn off our minds. Guys will at the most see a screensaver for a straight 15 minutes. But then you girls come over and jostle the mouse…”Hey honey, so what you thinking about?’ And we tell you the truth…”Nothing” But that’s not good enough. You’ll say “But you weren’t doing anything for more than 10 mins. You must be thinking about something.” “Nothing, I wasn’t thinking about anything.” And then you get really upset…”You always do that shit! You say that you’re not thinking about anything…you lie to me!” So then we have to lie! “Umm ok, I was just thinkng about how…ummm…..how…aaah…pretty you are.”
more to come…stay tuned!
DANE COOK: From his show VICIOUS CIRCLE which aired on HBO: -I saw a friend the other day and I didn’t know who he was. He was so excited to see me…he was like “Dane! Dane! Dane!” But I was like, “Heeeey youuuu!” And then he invited me to his house party coming up and I had to lie and say that I was “Definitely gonna go!” A few days later, he’s mad at me because I didn’t show up, he tells me, “Why didn’t you come dude, we were WAITING for you! My sick mom even came…my sick mom who’s in a wheelchair, a rusty wheelchair, because she lives by the sea…yea, even she came!
-Doesn’t it feel so good to just cry sometimes? Like sometimes, you have those days when you just feel sad and you wanna just let it out. So you’re at work, making copies or something and you do those strobe-like breaths. (Dane makes those sounds that a little kid makes when just recovering from a cry!) And your co-worker’s like, “Dude are you okay?” And you’re like, “Yea, Bob, it’s just that the sniff, sniff, sniff toner’s out of ink. Haha! So, then you get home and you do that check to see if anyone’s home…you’re like “woo hoo…anybody home?!” And as soon as you’re sure that you’re alone, you break down! You break down on the couch and you’re just heaving, crying that ugly cry and you repeat that phrase over and over again…”I did my best, I did my best!” And you start thinking of all the things that make you feel like shit just so that you can keep crying…”Why didn’t Susie invite me to her birthday party in 3rd grade? Why?!” And all of your orifices are watering…your eyes, your mouth, your nose. And you’re crying so hard that you want to look at yourself cry! So you go over to the mirror and look at yourself while you’re crying! And then the phone rings and it’s your mom, who just makes it worse, cuz when you tell her that you’re not really okay and “things at work are kinda tough and the people are mean,” she says to you, “My baby angel, it’s going to be ok…those people are just jealous (jealous said with a gay lisp), they’re just jealous. Don’t worry, my baby angel…here, here’s Dad.” And you’re like, “No, don’t put Dad…but it’s too late. He gets on the phone and says (in a gruff voice), “Boy, are you crying!” And when you start trying to tell him what’s wrong, he’s like, “Oh yea, things at work are tough, huh? Well, you know what?! I was in Korea, I should be crying! So, you know what, take your f*cking skirt off and shut up!” Haha! He
-What’s up with Windex and those settings that they have on it? They always have that spray mode and then what the hell’s that other one? Like laser mode?! It’s like you’re a sniper with the Windex bottle, looking down the barrel and like, “Yes! I got it! The smudge is destroyed!” And then God forbid you don’t hear the click and set it in-between the two modes, the thing like explodes!
-I was in an elevator the other day and this guy turns to me and sneezes IN MY FACE! There’s no blockage, no covering of the mouth, no sneezing into the sleeve, nothing…he turns TO me and just sprays sneezing…bless you…gazunteit wanted to b a criminal…b&e…chain link fence…hear cars…humpback whale…kicked in door… Fight….mental terrorists…brain ninjas…she has a comment on tap that is detanator…leg locks….fuckville…shes the mayor…she agrees w everything..touches face…windshield wiper mvemnt…steps…turns…says comment… Cinematic adventures…do u want any treats…no…no..finding seat..seat goes up…now she wants treats…all specific…have to walk past everyone…diaper of goodies..first half hour in dark…evolve into a higher species. She must wash her vagina w a dirtier vagina!!!!!!!
I have been inspired to dig through my life for embarassing moments…sit back, this will be entertaining! -When I was with my friend who was returning some dvd rentals, I offered to make the return for him and he gratefully said that there was a slot to just drop them into. I dropped them in and when I turned around, he had this look on his face and said, “Jeanette, I don’t know if that was the right place.” It turns out that I had dropped the dvd’s into the mail slot and they were just sitting there on the floor! The owner opened the door to see who had done it and I saw all three of them on the ground! -When I walked out of the bathroom at work and had a long trail of toilet paper hangin’ out of my pants…didn’t think that that could happen in real life, huh? –When I peed in the produce isle of the supermarket cuz i had to pee and my mommy didn’t hear me and i couldn’t hold it…I made a big puddle…right there…in the produce isle…yup -One time, when I was paying for my carwash, I was waiting near where the cars get a blast of air to help dry it off. Well, I happened to be wearing a short skirt that day…you can just imagine what the blast of air did to me and of course, the vehicle that was coming through just happened to be an SUV full of guys…very amused guys! augh! -When I was showing off to my friends and cousins and was tryin’ to nail this jump at Shawnee. I did it beautifully two times and then we pulled out the camera…and let’s just put it this way, you’ll never see something going so fast coming to such an abrupt stop. 60-0 in no time flat. I landed right on my butt…not the board…on my butt. -When I entered a tan line contest at Katmandu in Princeton and all these hot girls were basically scandalously showing their thongs and all that good stuff. When it got to be my turn, I had regular underwear on and it got all quiet…it was like you could hear the crickets! I got off that stage choke fast! -When I got pranked by my friend Julio on April Fools Day. He had a friend pretend to be a guy from mtv who wanted to hire me. I got so excited and he was talking to me about traveling to LA and Miami for shows and making sure that that was okay with me. I was like, “OH MY GOD! Of course!” In any case, he started asking me questions about whether or not I’d wear a a bikini and then a thong…and that’s when I was like “who is this?!” And they started cracking up. ergh! so embarassing! -When I made a tape for fear factor…it was hilarious…can’t believe i put so much effort into that thing! I did my own stunts! Jumping into a moving car, eating gummy worms, sinking in a pit of balls…crazy stuff I tell ya! -When I was interviewing Chris Robinson and asked him about a movie that he never directed…he was like “First of all, I didn’t direct that movie…” ooooooops…that was bad. eeek -All the Jeanette-isms!!!…please refer to previous blog
Okay, I’m not sure exactly what social repurcussions I may be subjecting myself to, but I’m doing it in good faith of the belief that “we can look back on things and laugh at them!” Soooo, here’s the deal…if you think Jessica Simpson-isms were bad…be prepared!
-the “gig” is up for the “jig” is up -“unspeakables” for “unmentionables” -“escarole” for “escargoe” -“windshield factor” for “windchill factor” -“opa-g-ue” instead of “opaque” -“half-hazardly” instead of “haphazardly” -“in-frared” instead of “infra-red” -“Veee-ola” instead of “Viola!” -“Be hoo of you” instead of “Behoove you” -Pasta “fag-ee-oli” instead of pasta “fagiole” -Not understanding the meaning between “it’s neither here nor there..” Then where is it? -“They like comments” instead of “Daylight come and me wanna go home!” -“Did you ever think that you would have these hips…did you ever think that you would be the dime, have a crib with the 58 Gallant?” instead of -“Did you ever think that you would have these hits…did you ever think that you would be the don, have a crib with the 50-acre lawn!” haha! -Not understanding what a Yankee farm was…wait, I still don’t really get it. -Thinking that for “all intents and purposes” was for “all intensive purposes!”This is a living list…for as long as I am alive and speaking, this list shall be forever growing…aren’t you glad you’re my friend?! heha!
12.27.07 (compliments of Dennis):
A lady was at a gas station, was smoking and cigarette and subsequenly, her arm caught on fire. An officer shot her and when asked why, he responded, “She was waving a firearm!” lol!
A landscaper left the lid off of the lawnmower and his dog lapped up all of the gas! The dog ran around wildly for about 15 minutes and then collapsed! Everyone thought that he was dead, but he wasn’t. He had just ran out of gas!” lol!
SPECIAL OLYMPICS: ask me, this one involves acting!
BLACK OR WHITE?
A Zebra dies and goes to heaven. He wonders to an angel, “Am I black w/ white stripes or white w/ black stripes?” The angel advises him, “Ask God, you’re here!” The zebra asks God and God says “You are what you are.” The zebra is not satisfied at all. “What does that mean?” he asks the angel. The angel says, “You’re white w/ black stripes…if you were black with white stripes, God would have said ‘You is what you is!'” lol!
What is green and smells like bacon? -kermit the frog’s finger! What does Winnie the Pooh call his Grandma? -Pooh-Nanny! Why aren’t there any puerto ricans on Star Trek? -cuz they’re not gonna work in the future either! Okay, now here’s a longer one: PSUEDO IMPORTANT: A lawyer is just starting his own practice and is really excited in his first week of work in his very own office. He sees, suddenly, someone approaching the door…his very first prospective client! Immediately, the new private lawyer gets on the phone and pretends to have a conversation that goes something like this…”You tell your prosecution that if your New York lawyers want to go head for head, then my defense is ready. And the Appellagate divison has no qualms about granting me the necessary paperwork to try this case!…” He goes on for a few minutes and then hangs up, apologizing to the man in front of him and saying “I’m so sorry, I’ve been getting bombarded with all these cases already! But how can I help you?” The man says, “I’m from the phone company and I’m here to install your phone.” hahahaha!!!
NON-CHARITABLE: So, a certain lawyer has done quite well that particular year. He gets a phone call one day from a local charity who knows that he is doing well and is asking for a donation. He tells them, “Oh, so you want me to make a donation, huh? Well, did you know that this year, my wife has been diagnosed with a fatal disease and the medical bills are going through the roof?” The charity sheepishly responds, “No Sir, I’m sorry, we were not aware of that. The lawyer continues, saying “Did you know that my mother has lost most of her money to bad invesments and is in danger of having her house repossessed?” The charity, again, replies, “No Sir, we didn’t know that and we’re sorry about that.” And finally, the lawyer finishes up by asking, “Did you know that one of my closest friends has just entered drug rehabilitation and needs help with those bills?” “No Sir, I’m sorry, we didn’t know that,” says the charity. “Well, if I didn’t help them, what makes you think that I’ll help you?” says the lawyer!!!
So, three guys die and go to heaven. At the gates of heaven, the angel tells them that the car they will be assigned in heaven is dependent on their faithfulness to their spouses during their life. The first guy steps up to the plate and admits to having cheated here and there. He gets a Camry. The second guy steps up and admits that he cheated a lot. He leaves with an ’86 Geo. The third guy steps up with a huge smile because he had not cheated one bit. He gets a Ferrari. Several days later, the two other men see the guy with the Ferrari crying…”What’s wrong?” they ask? “Aren’t you happy with your new car?” “Yes,” he replies, “But I just saw my wife…and she’s riding a tricycle.”
hahahahaha! Three guys go to a safari and suddenly come face to face with a cannibal tribe. The cannibal tribe is ready to kill them, but gives them one out. They must all go out and pick 10 of a kind of fruit. Upon the first man’s return with 10 apples, they explain to him that he is a free man if they are able to push all 10 apples up his butt without him flinching or making any sound. They get up to apple 3 when he screams out, “auuughh!” They kill him. The second man returns with 10 cherries. They explain the conditions and he turns around, ready to take it. They get up to cherry 9 and he bursts out in laughter. They kill him. Up in heaven, the first two men find each other and the first man asks the other, “Why did you laugh, you were almost free!” The second man says, “I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy comin’ back with 10 watermelons!” hahahahaha! 6.6.06…UPDATE:
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. “Officer, look what they’re done to my Beeeeeeemer!!!” he whined. “You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick,” retorted the officer. “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!” hahahaha! This one was told by my friend as well, in case you don’t think it’s funny:
What did the officer say to his stomach? You’re under a vest. I woulda thought that “You have the right to remain silent might have been funnier, no?” hehe…that’s just me =P Anywhoo, just wanted to stick these in on the running list in case I forget! take care!
Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Steve throws up all over himself. “Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!” Tony says, “Don’t worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.” So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually, Steve rolls home and Jane starts to give him a bad time. “You reek of alcohol and you’ve puked all over yourself! My God, you’re disgusting!”
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says: “Nowainaminit,I can ‘splain everything! Itsh not what you think. I only had a couple drinks. But this other guy got sick on me… he’d had one too many and he just couldn’t hold his liquor. He said he was very sorry an’ gave me $20 bucks for the cleaning bill!” Jane looks in the breast pocket and says: “But this is forty bucks.” “Oh, yeah… I almos’ forgot” says Steve, “he shit in my pants, too.”